"In uncertainty l am certain that underneath their topmost layers of fraility
men want ot be good and want to be loved. Indeed most of their vices
are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter
what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life
must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me
that if you or l must choose between two courses of thought or action,
we should remember our dying and try to live that our death
brings no pleasure to the world."
-john steinbeck (east of eden)
we were dancin' in the slaughterhouse
If you swing along the beltway
then you skid along the all day
cause I went a little crazy
and I sat upon a high chair
And I'm smokin like a diesel
way out here
Blow wind blow...
-tomwaits
My tobacco smells like chocolate.
Every 12 hours l sit outside and smoke my pipe. At night l hear the
dogs bark and in the morning l hear the crows caw.
These pages are so constrained, so tight, l want to just
scribble and stratch like a kid, tear a hole in these pages.
Maybe it's because l went to a dance tonight,
dancers from the east coast, made me feel glorious.
Made amy dance in the house, she looked so beautiful...
...more about my baseball cards later.
I wanna believe
In the mercy of the world again
Make it rain
Make it rain
-tomwaits
I have been repairing, rebuilding my fence...
old wood, all wet, some rotten, using logs amy and l pulled from the beach,
some too long so had to take a rusty axe and chop them in half.
There is something wonderful about all of this, building,
adding layer on layer, like art, like life, like love...
I am leaving now, l am going to make some promises, some promises of love...
Thank you C.C.
well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
come on up to the house
well you know you should surrender
but you can't let go
you gotta come on up to the house
-tomwaits
...in case you've forgotten to lick the stamps.
my canadian tire monies art-trade
This moment is all there is
-rumi
Mike. Doesn't work for me anymore.
I'm too old now.
I get to wonder about tomorrow, will it ever come?
Ken. Why do you say that?
Mike. Inconsistency of living. Do you ever think of that? Inconsistency?
I came here thirty years ago.
My brother told me l'm lucky to have a place like this or something like that.
Thiry years.
I've got little or nothing to show for it.
I just dig out some damned old junk from the refrigerator,
whatever the hell l can find to eat.
And then l go to bed.
Eat and sleep.
Sleep is my narcotic.
To forget the past. Forget the future.
And when i'm buried and in my grave
tell me then so i will know
your tears may fall to make love grow
the briar and the rose
-tomwaits
Oh it's time time time, and it's time time time
And it's time time time that you love
And it's time time time
-tom waits
I took a two day workshop last week, "non violent physical crisis intervention". It didn't give me any new moves to try on Amy but it did remind me of my brother and wrestling. Growing up with him, we fought, almost everyday, wrestling actually. We would jump on each other, sit on each other and pound away at arms and legs until they become numb. Sometimes we would get very mad at each other. We also shared our cousin Thursa, whenever they visited one of us would go off in the woods to kiss Thrusa. One time l took her down to the beach to kiss and my brother followed and said it was his turn. It seemed fair so l said okay. Our very last fight was when we each threw a fist, he hit me in the face, l hit him in the face. We just sort of stared at each other and that was the last time we ever fought. I worked with him a while ago, somedays l would get very mad at his gruffness and it would make me sad. I love my brother, l have come to appreciate him in the last couple of years, l appreciate his gruffness, l can see the love in his heart, l can see the twinkle of life in his eyes. It makes me cry...l want him to know he is loved...
All i need's my railroad boots,
And my leather jacket,
As i say goodbye to ruby's arms,
Although my heart is breaking,
-tom waits
...the hood is out of jail, eight months in, now tougher, bigger, and dropping by to see if l have any work. I don't really care about the hood. but Clayton came by and l do care about clayton. He hasn't been by in quite awhile. Came by last night, anxious and with the sky falling sat and smoke a couple broken cigarettes. Laid off from the fish plant, cops looking for him, seems he assaulted someone, says he is looking for all of the people that owe him money. Tiffany won't let him see his daughter. Tears came to his eyes, "they should have put me in the hospital for a couple of days." Clayton just needs to be cared for, just a couple of days, someone to care for him...
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